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by Karl Katzenberger
The BREAKDOWN
(updated 7/23/2008)
Greetings again from my fully furnished office in my hometown, beautiful South Minneapolis. By fully furnished office, I mean a Dunn Brothers coffee shop. And by beautiful South Minneapolis, I mean I haven't been propositioned by a "professional woman" in the last few hours. A big round of applause for the hard working gals on Lake Street. I mean, I can't condone their career choice but hey - everybody has to eat.
These are the things that you notice when you grow up in the inner city and then coach volleyball in the suburbs. Cleaner streets, no White Castles anywhere and significantly less solicitation of a "good time". Did I mention that my parents still live in the house I grew up in seconds away from the hallowed intersection of Hiawatha and Lake? In the immortal words of my dad: "I don't know what these idiots think they are doing in this neighborhood but whatever, I was here first..."
My dad and I were enjoying the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's recently and lamenting the theory of the 3-sport athlete going the way of dial up internet. It seems like fewer and fewer people still subscribe to it and you are viewed as kind of a Homo Erectus if you do. (It's so fun to type Homo Erectus even if you know it just means caveman. Try it sometime.) Girls' volleyball is becoming startlingly specialized these days. I mean I got an email from a parent the other day wondering what specific skills their daughter needs to work on to be a successful setter at the high school level. She has been playing setter for 3 years and dreams of setting the varsity when she reaches high school. She is just 4 short years away from trying out at the High School level and wants to know what she needs to work on. You see, this kid is entering 5th grade this fall and needs to plan her high school volleyball career.
Arrroooouuuuu??? (That's the noise Scooby Doo makes when he is confused)
Now I get being an active concerned parent and I understand wanting your daughter to be involved in after school activities other than hanging around Hiawatha and Lake Street, but 5th grade? When I was in 5th grade I can remember being more concerned with making the team, wondering how I could keep from embarrassing myself and hoping no one would notice that the Hypercolor T-Shirt I was wearing was had mysterious pink circles around my armpits. I can clearly remember asking the coach if I could try playing quarterback during Pop Warner tryouts and he said "Son, players play where the coaches tell them to - now start running until you puke, and then help the janitor clean up the puke". That recollection may not be 100% historically accurate but you can see my point in all of this.
From a coach's perspective things have radically changed since I was on the other side of the fence. Players not only play one sport nowadays, they only play one position in that sport. This is probably reason #8764 that I feel old but I can remember happily playing any position the coach asked me to - hoping my contribution to the game in any capacity would help my team win. The easy response to that is of course: "But Karl - you are a terrible athlete! I'm sure you would have been happy with any playing time." You know what? I can't argue that point. My contention however is that no matter where you are on the athletic heirarchy that is ingrained in youth sports today, what happened to hoping your team wins being #1? What does it matter that she played more than my daughter? What does it matter if you aren't being used in your natural position? What does is matter if that girl on the other team has foundation running off of her face and onto her jersey? Just win baby.
Nothing -- and I mean nothing -- bunches my undies more than a team that cares more about other agendas than winning. Sadly, it has become commonplace - even accepted among players, parents and yes, even us coaches are guilty of it too. When people involved on the team worry more about things other than winning, the winning happens less frequently. Why is she playing instead of me? Why does the coach play me at middle instead of left? Why does my daughter only play front row? Why does the left get set way more than the right? Why does my kid come out when it is time for her to serve? Why doesn't the referee think about buying some breath mints sometime? You can see my point I'm sure. There should be a list of things that should never under any circumstances be contemplated or allowed in kid's behaviors when interacting with a coach. Someone should take the time to sit down and write up a manifest of things NOT to do when trying out for a high school team. Someone really good looking and at times mildly humorous. Someone about the same height and roughly 70% less bulky than John Yunker.
So - with the supply of summer days running out faster than a referee can call a double on any of Ben Kiffmeyer's handsets I give you my list of things to vigorously avoid getting cut at fall '08 tryouts! I cannot guarantee the success of your efforts this fall, but if you can follow these simple rules I can ensure that at least someone will tell you where you can get a good deal on a used tennis racket after you are cut from the volleyball tryouts.
1) If you are wearing kneepads, wear long socks. If you are not wearing kneepads, wear ankle socks.
If you have ever played on my team before, you know this one by heart. Wearing a kneepad/short socks or no kneepad/long socks combo makes you look like the ultimate dorko. I dunno, I just can't get past this for some reason. I cannot stand looking at this. It's like if a guy were to wear a see through T-Shirt tied off in a knot inexplicably showing a bare midriff. And his name was Dave Manka. Who wants to see that?
On a side note - Everyone who I am making jokes about in this column would be a huge favorite in a fight against me. You would think I would just quit while I was ahead. In fact I would probably be a big underdog against most Minnesota high school volleyball coaches - with the notable exception of Darin Swenson. He is just soft.
2) Do not wear glasses when you are attempting to play volleyball.
Seriously, get mom and dad to pony up for some contacts. Not only are glasses expensive to replace, but it is kind of dangerous to have a ball flying around at 50-60 mph and you are wearing thin layers of glass an inch from your ocular sockets. Really? The only exception would be if you already have started your volleyball career in glasses. You are kind of grandfathered in. There is no point confusing your coach further when you show up to tryouts and they can't tell who you are because they are so used to seeing you in glasses. Unless you're terrible. Then go ahead and get lasik and hit the tanning booth hard. Perhaps even start going by your middle name. Claim you are a transfer student. Coaches love transfer students. It could work.
3) Do not wear a T-Shirt with cut off sleeves.
Not to tryouts, not to school, not to church, not to open gym, not ever. I cannot be more clear about this. Despite what you may think - no coach wants to see you running around with 36% of your sports bra visible. Parents can we please agree to not let your daughter attend an athletic tryout of any kind wearing a camisole, tank top or tube top? With perhaps the sole exception being that weird olympic sport where you dance around while twirling a 30 foot ribbon. Let's go ahead and ban jeans, dress shoes and basketball shorts to volleyball tryouts too.
4) Do not wear your hair down during tryouts.
It seems like you are perhaps concerned that part of the volleyball grading process will be how your hair looks. Umm... I can confidantly say that there isn't some bizarre tiebreaking procedure where if it is down to you and another kid for the last spot on the team the coaches huddle and confer: "Well, they are sure similar players but check out the girl with her hair down! Like no split ends or color damage at all! We have to take her!"
5) When the coach asks for a shag, do not stand around like you are paralyzed or deaf.
This one kills me. The drill is done, there are balls everywhere and the coach calls for a shag. There will be a minimum of two players who know better doing the "Butler Spin". This is where everyone else hurriedly runs off to shag and at least two players just slowly spin around like they are trying to find balls to pick up and all of their teammates are really their butler hired to make sure that they don't do any unecessary manual labor. Other variants on the "Butler Spin" are the "Timely Inquisitor" (The player waits till shag time to ask the coach some arcane question about last night's episode of "America's Got Talent") or the "Broken Roomba". (The Roomba is that robotic disc that you can set to automatically vacuum a room for you. These players take 2 paces toward a ball, then inexplicably change their mind and direction, take two more steps, change direction and take two more steps until - Voila! All the balls have been shagged!).
6) Do not ask a question about the drill that just got explained.
Perhaps my personal favorite. The coach is explaining the drill and notices about 3 kids talking in hushed tones in a mini-huddle. After everyone breaks out to perform the drill, one of the three that were chatting marches up to the coach and demands to know what the hell everyone is doing. I usually start speaking in broken English at this point to further exacerbate the situation. I like to reply with something like "I explain you drill two minutes ago for you!" This usually ends with them awkwardly slinking away to find another coach.
7) If you really want to get noticed - when a coach asks for a volunteer - immediately jump in.
If you are trying to get noticed do not do anything gimmicky like wear a pink and black shirt with lime green sweats, or interact with everyone like you have Tourette's Syndrome. Just volunteer for demonstrating skills or leading stretching or bringing the coach lunch or hooking him up with your hot aunt or whatever. Gang, coaches notice when you are not intimidated or scared to be a leader or to attempt a skill in front of a crowd.
8) Try really hard not to swear.
Seriously, if I can't swear at tryouts whenever I feel like it, then you shouldn't be allowed to either. I am actually mortified if a player hears me swear in a volleyball gym. I can't believe 15 year old girls mouths sometimes! They just fire it out there with no conscience at all. You would be convinced it would be the Minnesota Youth Correctional Facilities volleyball team tryout. Sophomores have the dirtiest mouths. Freshmen are too scared to curse, Juniors have figured out how to F-Bomb without being detected and Seniors are far too "mature" to be caught swearing in public. Just an observation.
9) Understand the coach is there to help you.
For new players trying out (Freshmen) when a coach approaches you do not soil yourself and sprint in the opposite direction. They are trying to help you. It may be in a constructively critical way, so do not go home and tell mom that "The Chinese coach hates me already". I do not need to spend an hour hearing from your mother that I need to positively encourage you to stop shanking balls into the boy's lockerroom. Returning players - if a coach asks you to perform a skill in a different manner than you have been doing during JO season or change positions, they are doing this to help you play a role on the team. You may not like it, but please understand that they are trying to utilize you to help your teammates be successful. Who knows, you may enjoy the switch - but you have to at least give it a chance.
10) Realize that it is a team sport.
Remember the goal of high school volleyball is to have fun and have the team succeed. You can't have the latter without the former. You may have to sacrifice a personal goal to achieve the team goals. You may have to help the team in a way other than what you envisioned. Yes, this includes even supporting your team from the bench. Understand that your opinion of things can and will from time to time vary from the coach's view. The coach has to take the teams' interest first. It would be awesome if the coach could make everyone happy. This is an impossibility. If everyone in this world could make a little more self sacrifice, it would be a better place to live, work and play. Lighten up, have some fun with changes. You might even like them.
What really makes me feel good about a player, a team and a season is when everyone can get united behind a goal. I like to pick winning volleyball games. Then everyone sets aside any personal or petty differences or perceived sleights and works as hard as they can to ensure the success of their teammates. I guess that is the most important thing you can do to prepare yourself for tryouts this fall. Prepare to be dissapointed, prepare to be thrilled. Prepare to be fail, prepare to succeed. Prepare to compete for your team, and prepare to put all other goals aside. It goes so fast, make sure you get something out of it besides some new ways to avoid shagging balls.
Karl Katzenberger is a longtime coach and supporter of youth volleyball in the State of Minnesota. He can be found being a complete Homo Erectus this fall on the bench as the Head Volleyball Coach at Armstrong High School. Comments/feedback about this column or other worldy topics can be sent to ahsvb@hotmail.com or kkvb.blogspot.com
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